WHAT THE OLYMPICS TAUGHT ME

1. My husband will have an 8 pack and no chest hair
2. I might not love my kids if they don't earn Olympic medals
   *might need to adopt a black baby to ensure an Olympian in the family
3. Ponytails should not have a part - slick backed only
4. Learn to do archery or skeet shooting so I don't have to get fit
5. Must watch 5 hours of television everyday
6. Drape an American flag over my shoulders to feel like a champion
7. Never root for the underdog - only popular athletes 
8. Pick my sports based on costume - also known as uniform 
9. Pick my sports based on a lack of Chinese or Russian competitors 
10. ALWAYS watch the Olympics