Sunday, September 12, 2010


WARNING: this post is deep and personal. I don't get this way often on my blog so read at your own risk. It will be lengthy and awkward.

As my sister Jaimee put so eloquently, "Baby, you have had the crap kicked out of you." She is referring to my so called love life. Let me back story for a minute.

In June of 2003 I met W at a summer camp at the BYU. A year later when we were students at the BYU he became my best friend. He went on a mission, a few (and by a few, I mean a shload) letters in between, and then he came home. We started dating the day after he came home and he went straight in for the marriage talk. I had wanted to marry him since the first time I saw him at the summer camp but I didn't want to get married right away. He did. W also dropped the L-bomb that night. From that point on (with a few bumps along the way) marriage was in the plan. I was excited. I was in love. I loved his family. W was my best friend. A couple of months later he decided he wasn't ready to get married. Through a lengthy and tearful discussion he broke my heart and I never spoke to W again, and still haven't. I was broken badly for 1 year. As in NOT in a good place at all. Plus while all of this was going down, my parents left on a mission and I felt so alone.

Here is where some of the story overlaps. I met M in April 2006. He was in my ward and we were forced to interact because we were co-chairs of a committee. The first thought that came into my head when I met him was, "What if I marry this guy? That was a weird thought." And it really was a weird thought because I wanted to see if anything would happen with W and he still had 9 months left on the mish. Plus M was 7 years older than me and a Ute fan. M and I quickly became inseparable. We did everything together but were NOT together. Just best friends. I should have sensed a pattern here but I didn't - I tend to fall for my best friends. I warned M that we were not going to be friends once W came home because W was my real best friend. M didn't believe me but I definitely proved him wrong when W and I started dating. M was not happy.

M and I got to continue being best friends since W was now out of the picture. M had just had his heart broken so we kind of helped each other through. Off and on for the next two years I had feelings for M. Seriously, I don't know how M and I didn't start dating earlier because we acted just like a couple for about a year before we were actually a couple. In March 2008 M couldn't take it anymore, told me he had feelings for me, wanted to try dating, and that was that. We dated from that night on. Now remember M is older which automatically brings up that he has issues. But issues aside, I loved him. M and I dated for 6 months before having a marriage conversation. We talked about it nonchalantly for a month or two. In September 2008, M and I went on a walk. He opened up about the issues he had and asked me what I thought he needed to do better with. Admitting faults and willing to work on them!!!! This was a new side of M. I couldn't believe it. He showered me with compliments as we were walking through the park and told me I was exactly what he wanted for the rest of his life but he still had to become what I needed. Wow! Then a few moments later, he stopped mid-sentence and said, "I can't marry you." What? After the tearful breakup and goodbye, I never talked to him again, and still haven't.

That brings me to today. I am still a very broken human. I have the ability to love-the-crap-out-of-things. I just love things/people crazy deep. I loved both of these boys a lot. They didn't love me enough. In both instances when I had had confirmations that the relationships should move on to marriage, they didn't. Why? Why? Why did I have to lose two best friends because I wasn't enough for them? Why have I felt so strongly that someone was the right person for me - twice - and it didn't work out either time? The answer is agency. Agency is serious business. President Packer said today in Regional Conference that if he could pick any gospel topic to be the building block of our faith he would pick agency. I understand what he meant by that. People have the right to choose. Sister Beck said today, "we fought a war in heaven so we could have the privilege of having a hard life." Well I am not feeling very privileged right now. These boys exercised their agency, their choice. The part that hurts a lot is that I didn't have the opportunity to exercise mine in the break up - either time. Both times it was their choice to end things. The only agency I have is how I react to the situation. I am struggling with that one at the moment.

When W and I first broke up, I obsessed about it. Couldn't get it off my mind. When M and I broke up, I just shoved it away, didn't deal with it, and wouldn't face the facts. W got married a year after we broke up. M got married 3 months after we broke up. Ouch. Really M?

The event that brought up all of these thoughts and emotions occurred tonight. I went to visit my cousin who lives down the street from M. I had to park on the street down from M's house. After visiting with her I was walking to my car, when M, his wife, and his baby were right there on the sidewalk.  I continued to get in the car, slightly smile, and drive away. I have seen W around Provo a few times and yes it was awkward but this event with M was unbearable. I don't know why it hurt me so much. It has been 2 years since we broke up. When am I going to allow myself to be unbroken?? Why do I have to let it hurt so much.

FYI: If you made it this far, you must be crazy bored because that was quite the rant. I'm not sure it even made sense. I am not suicidal. I am not depressed. I don't need you to be worried for me. I just needed to vent these emotions and ideas as a way to sort through the process of becoming unbroken.